Why haven’t you made me straight yet God?
What more do you want from me?
I have followed you with my sexuality as best as I know how…is that enough?
I look straight enough to most people. Am I straight enough for you God? Ha, who are we kidding… we both know I’m not straight… but I love you and I wish I were…
Do you love me?… Can you love a NOT STRAIGHT person? If your church can’t even agree to love them, if your church can’t accept them…can’t accept me…how can I know, for sure… that YOU do? How can I know… really know, that you love me when your church struggles to love people like me…at least I’m pretty sure they would if I were really honest with them? Maybe I should be more honest…or maybe I should just stop talking about it altogether…I don’t know.
I’m so scared still…I’m so scared of your church…and what they might say and do if I were really…really honest with them…I can’t think about that too long…
What about you God? It’s you who matter most…Do you love me? Can I know that you do even when I struggle? Can I rest…can I just rest in your grace? I’m so tired…is your burden really light? Is your yoke really easy? What does that even mean? Am I really allowed to rest…to fully rest…even in my non-straightness…?
You know… I love my family. I love them. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love this straight life you have given me…It hasn’t always been easy, we have had a lot to work through, we still struggle sometimes…but is it enough that I love them, that I will be faithful to them…gladly. Its not even a hard choice. Is that enough? Does it make me straight enough for you?
I know your gospel….I know it. I know you say your grace is sufficient…even for me? Even though I can’t become straight?….Why haven’t you made me straight yet? I know you will one day… What does sexuality even look like in heaven? Whatever it looks like, I’m looking forward to heaven…I want to see you. To have you cup my face in your hands, to have you look me in my eyes and say, “I love you Melissa.” To hear you say that I am okay…that I’m home and you are pleased with me…that I belong there… with you…with your people.…Oh Jesus! I want that day. I long for it. I long for my brokenness to never again make me doubt your love…
God…am I straight enough for you?
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